New Moon (2009)

Apologies, as I know this review is hugely belated, and now probably highly irrelevant. I found this in my blog folder, almost finished, so decided to post it. My sincerest apologies go to anyone who owns the full length Edward Cullen door poster.

Starring: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner
I’m not going to explain New Moon’s plot in any great length. Anyone who wants to know already does, and I’m not looking to irritate those who hate Twilight with a fiery passion. So in a nutshell; vampires with sparkly belly buttons, cuddly werewolves, and a girl who’s hot for a bloke who stays up all night (I can see where she’s coming from on that one).

I’m not one to make my mind up about something until I’ve made sure to read/watch/listen to it. When told about Twilight, my initial reaction was

“Oh...so basically Buffy then?”

Being a hardcore Buffy/Angel fan, I attempted to approach Twilight with as open a mind as I could muster. I watched the film (Twilight) first, and was reasonably impressed. Mainly because of the pretty boys, I’ll be the first to admit. I decided to read the books, fully aware of how the film can only give you half the impression the book can.

And God, Stephanie Meyer has got to be one of the most illiterate bestselling authors I’ve ever encountered.

I swear I found made up words.

Twilight was an ok read though, so I thought I’d soldier on with reading New Moon before I saw the film. Big fucking mistake. New Moon was so dull. So desperately, desperately dull. It made me realise that any investment I had in Twilight as a series was purely aesthetic. The aforementioned pretty boys and passionate snogging was pretty much all that kept me mildly interested in the series.

Needless to say, when I went to watch New Moon, I wasn’t expecting fireworks.

New Moon had a different director to Twilight – a Mr Chris Weitz, director of teen-favourite American Pie and the rather less celebrated Golden Compass (an instance where Hollywood took a shit on an absolutely brilliant novel). I actually thought Catherine Hardwicke’s direction in Twilight was fairly good, so wasn’t sure about Weitz replacing her.

My worries were almost immediately justified as one of the first scenes showed Bella’s truck screeching through the streets of Forkes, accompanied by generic teen music ala American Pie.

My problem with Twilight franchise is that it’s another blatant and shameless gimmick that the general public have let themselves get sucked into. I mean, I get it. Vampires are cool. But vampires are much cooler when they’re kicking butt, taking names and fully recognising how melodramatic they are (Angel). There’s also something to be said for the True Blood brand of vampires, with their hot sex and “fang-bangers”. I’ve got nothing against vampires being heralded as sexy – but surely half of their appeal is that they’re creatures of the night? They’re supposed to burst into flame in sunlight, not twinkle like a twee Christmas tree.

Meyer’s vampires are lame. Meyer’s characters are under-developed and dull. Bella Swan is an entirely infuriating girl, so self-involved and introverted that she’ll sit in her room and mope for 3 months straight. Edward Cullen is probably the most melodramatic vampire ever to grace our screens, and sometimes I just wish Jacob would give him a slap.

I hold my hands up and admit, I’ll be watching the next 2 films (or is it 3? I heard rumours Breaking Dawn will be 2 parts). I will be watching them because Robert Pattinson is pretty, and because of Taylor Lautner’s abs. I will be watching them with little hope of an engrossing story or any exciting character development. I’ll basically be watching them because I’m a girl, and I’m a perve. I feel this is fine, as I’m 22 and can decide who I want to perve on. However, what drives me mad about the Twilight franchise - and Stephenie Meyer in particular – is that she writes under the pretext of being a Christian.

She claims the Twilight saga is chockfull of religious referencing and important messages. I claim, Stephenie Meyer, that you’re just selling sex to a bunch of teenagers who don’t know any better. I also claim that Bella Swan is a god-awful role model for young girls. She bases her whole life around a man, spends 3 months moping in her room when said man leaves her, and then only perks up when Jacob enters her life (oh goody, another man!).

So go and see New Moon if you liked the book (someone’s got to, I suppose).

Go see New Moon if you fancy watching poncey vampires sparkle, and buff werewolves charging about.

But for God’s sake, don’t expect anything original, or anything that Joss Whedon hasn’t already covered in considerably superior detail.

Oh and one more thing...TEAM JACOB.