The Jungle Book (2016)

Starring: Ben Kingsley, Christopher Walken, Bill Murray, Scarlett Johansson, Lupita Nyong’o, Neel Sethi

So we all know the Disney classic. We’re all familiar with the bear necessities of life. I think when I was younger I watched the VHS of The Jungle Book to death and had an unhealthy fixation with the shiny black panther Bagheera (or is he a puma? I can’t be bothered to google it). I also had one of those books with the buttons on the side that made Jungle Book sound effects. You know, those ones that parents just LOVE, especially when they’ve heard the same sound effect 300 times in a half hour stretch, ripping erratically through their ear drums like a 3 year old with a Cheestring. However, upon sitting down (3 rows from the front, right at the side, eurgh) to watch Jon Favreau’s 2016 live action reimagining, I suddenly realised my memories of The Jungle Book were rather paltry.   

There’s a tiger right? And some fire? A bear that wears some coconuts on its tits? I leant over to my best friend Lily:

“What happens in this again?” Lily pondered for a while.

“He meets a girl or something.”

If by “girl”, Lily meant “giant bear with the voice of Bill Murray”, then yes, she was right.  

Anyway, necks awkwardly crooked and trying not to breathe in the overwhelming stench of Lynx Africa (fitting) emanating from the chav with tribal tattoos sitting next to us, we settled down to watch the film.

The reason I’d decided on rather a whim to watch it in the first place was because the visuals looked absolutely stunning. I like Jon Favreau’s directing but I’m more used to him directing fare such as Elf and Iron Man so I didn’t really know what to expect from him in this case. I was really pleasantly surprised.

The whole film does look amazing. While I’m not a huge fan of CG, the animals all looked incredibly real and were beautifully rendered. I like it when you’re watching something animated and they attempt to make the characters look a little like the actors voicing them – it took me ages to place King Louie’s voice until I looked into his eyes and saw Christopher Walken looking back at me. Saying that, I did get a bit confused and think that Jason Statham was voicing Shere Khan…it was actually Idris Elba. My bad.

The action scenes were choreographed exceptionally and even from my crooked angle I could follow them perfectly. There’s nothing I hate more than swishy, “artistically shot” action scenes where you have no fucking idea what’s going on.

 I’m not a big fan of small children in general (except my friends’ kids, shout out to Rowan and Iris) but the little guy playing Mowgli was…ok. I mean, he was fine. But I spent the entire first half of the film wondering where he got the red material for his pants (a massive red nappy when he was a baby apparently – that’s some durable fabric), and then the second half wondering how he hadn’t died yet.  It was kind of like a Revenant-lite, in a way. How do you survive essentially being stampeded by a herd of buffalos, falling down a cliff edge into a swirling river, strangulation by a behemoth, sexy snake (voiced by Johansson, nonetheless), being stung to death by a shit-tonne of bees and hurled through the jungle by monkeys in a cult reminiscent of the Manson family? Apparently as long as you’re wearing really snazzy bright red pants, death is just not an issue.

Individual performances in the film were all great, but there are few that deserve a special mention. Christopher Walken as King Louie was terrifying. I loved the way they recast him as a decrepit, festering King Kong type. He still sings his little song but when you watch him you feel constantly on edge, and a little bit repulsed. I mean you sing along anyway, because it’s a banger of a tune, but you feel a bit uneasy about it. A bit like when Lost Prophets comes on your Spotify and you find yourself tapping your foot in time with the music.

Scarlett Johansson enjoys a brief cameo as Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (Kaa), which was good, and quite scary, but I felt she was a little under-used. Obviously in the Disney film he’s more of a bumbling comedy vehicle, but in this she was evil and very, very lethal.

“But Kaa is supposed to be a MAN!” I hear you scream.

Get over it. It’s still an extremely male cast that Jon Favreau has diluted to a point. Ghostbusters this ain’t.    

Overall, it was a good, enjoyable film. There were only 2 songs from the original in it, and only sung in part, but I’m not sure they added anything really. The only thing they gave me was a desire to float down a river on a bear’s belly, which really is not a good item for the bucket list and I should probably ignore it. If you’re taking kids, they’ll love it. If you’re going for nostalgic reasons with mates, you’ll also really enjoy it. Your nan will quite like it too (I’m determined to keep the nan-ometer running).

If your worry is that it’s going to be too childish for you, there are, as ever, some bits added in for adults, and some wry humour that will have you chuckling while the children in the audience look perplexed.

Little idiots.

The Revenant (2016)

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hardy, Will Poulter, Domhnall Gleeson

Disclaimer: This review is incredibly blasé about a very real and fraught time in history, but I drank quite a lot of beer last night and lost at 3 separate board games, so I apologise for any apparent apathy.

I recently went to see The Revenant, a decision mainly fuelled by Oscar hype and various people who I trust telling me it was amazing. This is going to be a hard review to write, because I’m still pretty conflicted re: how I feel about this film. I also feel it should probably be retitled as “Leo DiCaprio’s Worst Week Ever” but that’s just like, uh, my opinion, man.

The film is set in 1820s during the colonisation of America. There are some French dudes and some English dudes and some Native Americans, and basically it’s all kicking off. DiCaprio’s character (Hugh Glass) is a frontiersman on a fur trading expedition, whose companions include Bill Weasley, Charles Bronson and that little ginger kid from Narnia who can’t get enough of that sweet, sweet Turkish Delight (obviously, they’re playing frontiersmen in this but…seriously, they should make that film. I’d watch it). 

After their company is fatally ambushed by a tribe of Native Americans, a much diminished group set out through the wilderness to return home.  Glass is the most valued member of the group, given his extensive knowledge of the area and his hunting/survival skills. Unfortunately, he gets in a punch up with a majorly pissed off bear and is eventually more or less left for dead by his companions. Incredibly, he survives, and drags his rotting body through the snows to seek his revenge.

I really need to talk about this bear. I’ve always quite liked bears. They’re pretty cool, they’re fluffy, some of them wear t-shirts and no pants and eat honey, and some of them wear raincoats and wellies and sit around in train stations noshing on marmalade. You may be able to tell from the above statements that my actual bear-knowledge is fairly limited. 

So in the film, there are all these cute little bear cubs running around, and Glass goes to shoot one of them, but mumma-bear is like

“Fuck no Leo, jog on,” 

and absolutely goes to town on him. This part was incredible, but absolutely excruciating. I’ve never quite fully appreciated the meaning of the word “mauled”. Watching this scene, you can almost feel your own bones cracking and shattering. You taste blood in your mouth as her claws rake through him, again, and again. As her teeth crunch into his back, you can’t help but feel a heavy shudder rock down your spine. Basically, it’s an absolute ordeal.

And, ordeal is the word I would most apply to this film. Glass goes through so much. It almost gets ridiculous at times, with the lengths he has to go to and the trials he has to endure. I’ve heard a few people couldn’t help but laugh at certain points of this film – was it when he hurled himself over a cliff? Perhaps when he decided to plummet down some rapids? Or was it when he climbed naked into the steaming carcass of a horse? It’s the sheer extremity of what he has to do to survive that I think made a few people laugh, and I’m sure it was more through incredulity than anything else.  I get it. 

DiCaprio is incredible in this film. You go through everything with him. He is such an accomplished actor, but I always forget about the amazing physicality he brings to his roles.  Let’s be honest, he should have got an Oscar way back for his incredible portrayal of a mentally disabled boy in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape with Johnny Depp. I really hope this is his year.

However, as I said to one of my buds yesterday, I would never watch this film again. It is undoubtedly one of DiCaprio’s best performances, but I don’t feel it’s one of the best films I’ve ever seen. It was engaging, it was beautiful, and it was heart-wrenching. But you essentially suffer through it. When you watch it, you are putting yourself through something. I would not want to “undergo” this film again. And it is absolutely not going to be everybody’s bag. I came out feeling exhausted.

I would recommend this film to people who appreciate beautiful and innovative film making. People who love cinematography. People who appreciate incredible landscapes. People who don’t label films as “depressing”, because that label is truly dumb as fuck. And if you’ve ever come out of a film and the first thing you’ve said is “well, that was a bit long!” this film probably isn’t for you, either.

Don’t take your nan; go on your own (and maybe bring a teddy, so you can remind yourself that not all bears want to tombstone you).      

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)

Starring: John Boyega, Oscar Isaacs, Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher

I’m going to preface this review by clarifying one thing – I am not a Star Wars fan. Not really. I came to the original trilogy extremely late, lent to me when I was 20 by my good friend and massive Star Wars nerd-buddy, Lewis. They were fine. I watched them and I enjoyed them, but mainly because I thought the ewoks were cute and I wanted to bang Harrison Ford. I wasn’t swept up by them particularly.

I’d dabbled once before in Star Wars – given that I used to work in a cinema for a long time, I was forced along to a midnight screening of Revenge of the Sith by my then boyfriend (who, coincidentally, told me within the first few minutes that I ate popcorn too loudly and made me move away from him. Side note – twat). Anyway, I sat through the first twenty minutes, then fell solidly asleep. It seemed like every time I woke up, someone’s hand was in the process of getting cut off. I saw Darth wander into some lava or similar, and Samuel L Jackson fell out of a window or something, and that’s about all I remember from that wonderful and life-affirming viewing experience.

Recently, after re-watching the originals, and feeling like I really should give the modern trilogy a go, I attempted to watch The Phantom Menace. I failed. I found it entirely unwatchable. Who on earth thought that film was a good idea? I’ve been reliably informed Attack of the Clones is worse, and as I’ve basically seen all the key points of ROTS, I decided to give all 3 a wide berth.

So, I know this review is pretty belated, and nearly everyone’s already seen this film. So this is more of an airing of my opinions and views, with no real hope of steering anyone towards, or away from, this film.

Firstly then, the main leads. Being English, I’m so happy they cast two English actors, although ashamedly I didn’t actually recognise Boyega from Attack the Block, and spent the entire film convinced he was actually American. He was an absolutely adorable lead. Cute, vulnerable, idiotic, but brave. He was perfect for the role, although I would have liked a little more back story. I presume the next movie will reveal a little more about why he suddenly decided the life of a ruthless killer wasn’t for him, and I’m quite excited about that. It’d better be good, and not some lame-ass “there’s a magical mystery cork in the middle of island!” LOST bullshit. I’m watching you, Abrams.  

And then there’s everyone’s new girl-crush, Daisy Ridley. And mine too. She’s great. She manages to balance femininity and humour with awesome lightsabre skills and a not un-Keira Knightley-like pout, simultaneously.  There’s something inherently likeable about her, which resounds throughout the entire film. And there’s none of this Star Trek hot-girl-stripping-for-no-apparent-reason crap. She is important in her own right – smarter and savvier than most of her male counterparts – although the strong independent woman thing is a bit spoon-fed to the audience at times: “I can run without you holding my hand!”

The ensemble cast is altogether excellent, although Greg Grunberg is so unnecessary it hurts (and probably too chubby to be an X-wing/Oceanic 815 pilot, even if he is your best mate, JJ). And for those of you who’ve seen it, I have a deep-seated dislike for the fish-head alien. I’m not sure why, and I’m not really sure what to do about it. If you can help, please do. I am haunted by his big stupid orange face.

Talking of big orange faces! The new robot, BB8, is the best thing I’ve ever seen. He makes me feel a lot better about big old fish man. Everything about BB8 is perfection – the way he moves, the way he goes down stairs, the noises he makes, the way he does a thumbs up…I almost love that little spherical robot more than I love cats. For those of you who know me, that is a BIG deal.

Then of course, we need to talk about Adam Driver. I have loved that man for years, being a huge fan of his perfectly flawed character (also called Adam) in Lena Dunham’s TV series, Girls. He is fantastic, and when I found out he was cast in this film, it was the first thing that made me excited to see it. Like I said, Star Wars was not a big thing for me before this instalment. I may have already seen this film 3 times and it’s not even been out a month…! His turn as Kylo (Ben) Ren is wonderful – intense, vulnerable and extremely powerful. He also provides one of the biggest laughs of the film with his lamentable lightsabre tantrum.

 Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher both reprise their roles beautifully, giving excellent and heartfelt performances that will even warm the cockles of people unfamiliar with the franchise. And yes, the story is derivative, and a lot like the story of A New Hope, but it works. It really does. You feel like you’re watching something fresh and new – Star Wars has been successfully rebooted for this generation, in immense style.

I really enjoyed the film. It’s nothing particularly new and nothing particularly clever, but it works. It really works. Go see it now. And take your nan. If you want.