The Revenant (2016)

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hardy, Will Poulter, Domhnall Gleeson

Disclaimer: This review is incredibly blasé about a very real and fraught time in history, but I drank quite a lot of beer last night and lost at 3 separate board games, so I apologise for any apparent apathy.

I recently went to see The Revenant, a decision mainly fuelled by Oscar hype and various people who I trust telling me it was amazing. This is going to be a hard review to write, because I’m still pretty conflicted re: how I feel about this film. I also feel it should probably be retitled as “Leo DiCaprio’s Worst Week Ever” but that’s just like, uh, my opinion, man.

The film is set in 1820s during the colonisation of America. There are some French dudes and some English dudes and some Native Americans, and basically it’s all kicking off. DiCaprio’s character (Hugh Glass) is a frontiersman on a fur trading expedition, whose companions include Bill Weasley, Charles Bronson and that little ginger kid from Narnia who can’t get enough of that sweet, sweet Turkish Delight (obviously, they’re playing frontiersmen in this but…seriously, they should make that film. I’d watch it). 

After their company is fatally ambushed by a tribe of Native Americans, a much diminished group set out through the wilderness to return home.  Glass is the most valued member of the group, given his extensive knowledge of the area and his hunting/survival skills. Unfortunately, he gets in a punch up with a majorly pissed off bear and is eventually more or less left for dead by his companions. Incredibly, he survives, and drags his rotting body through the snows to seek his revenge.

I really need to talk about this bear. I’ve always quite liked bears. They’re pretty cool, they’re fluffy, some of them wear t-shirts and no pants and eat honey, and some of them wear raincoats and wellies and sit around in train stations noshing on marmalade. You may be able to tell from the above statements that my actual bear-knowledge is fairly limited. 

So in the film, there are all these cute little bear cubs running around, and Glass goes to shoot one of them, but mumma-bear is like

“Fuck no Leo, jog on,” 

and absolutely goes to town on him. This part was incredible, but absolutely excruciating. I’ve never quite fully appreciated the meaning of the word “mauled”. Watching this scene, you can almost feel your own bones cracking and shattering. You taste blood in your mouth as her claws rake through him, again, and again. As her teeth crunch into his back, you can’t help but feel a heavy shudder rock down your spine. Basically, it’s an absolute ordeal.

And, ordeal is the word I would most apply to this film. Glass goes through so much. It almost gets ridiculous at times, with the lengths he has to go to and the trials he has to endure. I’ve heard a few people couldn’t help but laugh at certain points of this film – was it when he hurled himself over a cliff? Perhaps when he decided to plummet down some rapids? Or was it when he climbed naked into the steaming carcass of a horse? It’s the sheer extremity of what he has to do to survive that I think made a few people laugh, and I’m sure it was more through incredulity than anything else.  I get it. 

DiCaprio is incredible in this film. You go through everything with him. He is such an accomplished actor, but I always forget about the amazing physicality he brings to his roles.  Let’s be honest, he should have got an Oscar way back for his incredible portrayal of a mentally disabled boy in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape with Johnny Depp. I really hope this is his year.

However, as I said to one of my buds yesterday, I would never watch this film again. It is undoubtedly one of DiCaprio’s best performances, but I don’t feel it’s one of the best films I’ve ever seen. It was engaging, it was beautiful, and it was heart-wrenching. But you essentially suffer through it. When you watch it, you are putting yourself through something. I would not want to “undergo” this film again. And it is absolutely not going to be everybody’s bag. I came out feeling exhausted.

I would recommend this film to people who appreciate beautiful and innovative film making. People who love cinematography. People who appreciate incredible landscapes. People who don’t label films as “depressing”, because that label is truly dumb as fuck. And if you’ve ever come out of a film and the first thing you’ve said is “well, that was a bit long!” this film probably isn’t for you, either.

Don’t take your nan; go on your own (and maybe bring a teddy, so you can remind yourself that not all bears want to tombstone you).      

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)

Starring: John Boyega, Oscar Isaacs, Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher

I’m going to preface this review by clarifying one thing – I am not a Star Wars fan. Not really. I came to the original trilogy extremely late, lent to me when I was 20 by my good friend and massive Star Wars nerd-buddy, Lewis. They were fine. I watched them and I enjoyed them, but mainly because I thought the ewoks were cute and I wanted to bang Harrison Ford. I wasn’t swept up by them particularly.

I’d dabbled once before in Star Wars – given that I used to work in a cinema for a long time, I was forced along to a midnight screening of Revenge of the Sith by my then boyfriend (who, coincidentally, told me within the first few minutes that I ate popcorn too loudly and made me move away from him. Side note – twat). Anyway, I sat through the first twenty minutes, then fell solidly asleep. It seemed like every time I woke up, someone’s hand was in the process of getting cut off. I saw Darth wander into some lava or similar, and Samuel L Jackson fell out of a window or something, and that’s about all I remember from that wonderful and life-affirming viewing experience.

Recently, after re-watching the originals, and feeling like I really should give the modern trilogy a go, I attempted to watch The Phantom Menace. I failed. I found it entirely unwatchable. Who on earth thought that film was a good idea? I’ve been reliably informed Attack of the Clones is worse, and as I’ve basically seen all the key points of ROTS, I decided to give all 3 a wide berth.

So, I know this review is pretty belated, and nearly everyone’s already seen this film. So this is more of an airing of my opinions and views, with no real hope of steering anyone towards, or away from, this film.

Firstly then, the main leads. Being English, I’m so happy they cast two English actors, although ashamedly I didn’t actually recognise Boyega from Attack the Block, and spent the entire film convinced he was actually American. He was an absolutely adorable lead. Cute, vulnerable, idiotic, but brave. He was perfect for the role, although I would have liked a little more back story. I presume the next movie will reveal a little more about why he suddenly decided the life of a ruthless killer wasn’t for him, and I’m quite excited about that. It’d better be good, and not some lame-ass “there’s a magical mystery cork in the middle of island!” LOST bullshit. I’m watching you, Abrams.  

And then there’s everyone’s new girl-crush, Daisy Ridley. And mine too. She’s great. She manages to balance femininity and humour with awesome lightsabre skills and a not un-Keira Knightley-like pout, simultaneously.  There’s something inherently likeable about her, which resounds throughout the entire film. And there’s none of this Star Trek hot-girl-stripping-for-no-apparent-reason crap. She is important in her own right – smarter and savvier than most of her male counterparts – although the strong independent woman thing is a bit spoon-fed to the audience at times: “I can run without you holding my hand!”

The ensemble cast is altogether excellent, although Greg Grunberg is so unnecessary it hurts (and probably too chubby to be an X-wing/Oceanic 815 pilot, even if he is your best mate, JJ). And for those of you who’ve seen it, I have a deep-seated dislike for the fish-head alien. I’m not sure why, and I’m not really sure what to do about it. If you can help, please do. I am haunted by his big stupid orange face.

Talking of big orange faces! The new robot, BB8, is the best thing I’ve ever seen. He makes me feel a lot better about big old fish man. Everything about BB8 is perfection – the way he moves, the way he goes down stairs, the noises he makes, the way he does a thumbs up…I almost love that little spherical robot more than I love cats. For those of you who know me, that is a BIG deal.

Then of course, we need to talk about Adam Driver. I have loved that man for years, being a huge fan of his perfectly flawed character (also called Adam) in Lena Dunham’s TV series, Girls. He is fantastic, and when I found out he was cast in this film, it was the first thing that made me excited to see it. Like I said, Star Wars was not a big thing for me before this instalment. I may have already seen this film 3 times and it’s not even been out a month…! His turn as Kylo (Ben) Ren is wonderful – intense, vulnerable and extremely powerful. He also provides one of the biggest laughs of the film with his lamentable lightsabre tantrum.

 Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher both reprise their roles beautifully, giving excellent and heartfelt performances that will even warm the cockles of people unfamiliar with the franchise. And yes, the story is derivative, and a lot like the story of A New Hope, but it works. It really does. You feel like you’re watching something fresh and new – Star Wars has been successfully rebooted for this generation, in immense style.

I really enjoyed the film. It’s nothing particularly new and nothing particularly clever, but it works. It really works. Go see it now. And take your nan. If you want.



The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2011)

Starring: Rooney Mara, Daniel Craig, Stellan Skarsgard

Initially I was very apathetic about this remake. The Swedish original was fantastic and like many I am more than fed up of Hollywood remaking and commercialising my favourite foreign films. However, after hearing that David Fincher was on board as director I got a little more interested. I am a big fan of Fincher and The Social Network was one of the best films of 2010, in my opinion. Once the Red Band trailer for Dragon Tattoo was released, I was officially on board and excited.

Some sets in the remake are almost identical to that of the original. I’m so glad they kept the setting in Sweden. It would’ve been only too easy for a Hollywood exec to decide to set the whole thing in the US (see High Fidelity, for instance). I believe the setting is intrinsic to the film’s authenticity and success. Oddly, some of the characters speak with a Swedish accent, while others (Craig included) speak in an English accent. I can only assume this was because those actors were rubbish at the Swedish accent, but thankfully it’s not too off-putting.

Noomi Rapace (who played Lisbeth Salander in the original Swedish films) was a firm fan favourite and before the film was cast many online petitions and forums called for her to reprise her role in this version. However, Rapace declined as she wished to distance herself from the character. After a long casting and consideration process (others considered for the part included Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Ellen Page and Emma Watson) the relatively unknown Rooney Mara was chosen to portray Lisbeth. And she was fan-fucking-tastic. I believe she took a lot of her character from Rapace’s interpretation, but she did bring something new to the role – an added surliness, a little more empathy, and a vulnerability I didn’t see in Rapace. She must be a method actor, because every single piercing (including the nipples) is real, done purposely for the character.

Craig’s Mikael Blomkvist is a much more relaxed character, with little to determine his performance from Mikael Nyqvist’s in the original. He did seem to bring a little extra charisma and light-hearted humour into an altogether intense and oppressive film, however. He put on weight for the role so audiences would be able to distance him from James Bond in his tighty-whities. However, my initial thought upon seeing him naked was “Wow, Bond’s let himself go a bit, I wonder how hard he’ll have to work out before Skyfall…” so I’m not sure that really worked for him!

The casting was ultimately excellent, with no weak spots that I could see. The music was again done by Trent Reznor and is extremely atmospheric and effective – watch out for a “subtle” inside joke near the start of the film. This adaptation was even more faithful to the book than the Swedish version, which I found very gratifying having read the trilogy several times.

All in all, I’d say that Fincher has topped the Swedish original. It’s more engaging, more faithful and more exciting. While the original is oppressive and dark throughout, Fincher somehow manages to lighten the mood in places without losing the overall effect. Even the granny in front of me at the cinema was absolutely loving it.

I 100% recommend this film, but don’t take your granny if she doesn’t enjoy gratuitous rape scenes, bloody violence and pierced nipples (but really, what granny doesn’t?).

Paul (2011)

Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Seth Rogen, Jason Bateman, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader

So finally, the long awaited third film from Pegg and Frost hit our screens! But was it worth the wait?

Erm...kind of.

Clive and Graeme are two English nerds who travel to San Diego for Comic Con, then plan to take a road trip through the U.S.A’s notorious alien hotspots (Area 51, Roswell etc). However, they get a little sidetracked when an alien named Paul crashes (literally) into their lives, and more importantly their Winnebago. Paul has been living on earth for years, and is the American government’s best kept secret. However, now that they’ve learnt all they can from him (alive), they want to cut out his brain and study his cells for scientific research. Paul has managed to escape from the government, and is on the run.

Look – I love Spaced. Shaun of the Dead is a slice of fried gold. Hot Fuzz will never make me want to “jog on”.

But Paul was just missing something.

It had some brilliant nods to sci-fi classics. Pegg and Frost were on form. It had Bill Hader, Seth Rogen and Kristen Wiig in it. Greg Mottola is a great director. It should have been fucking hilarious. Instead, it ended up being mildly hilarious with a smattering of anti-climax. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good film. It’s just not a great film. There’ll be no cult following. Sadly, I think Paul will likely be forgotten in a few years, while Shaun of the Dead and Spaced are still paid a steady (and deserving) homage by a plethora of fans.

Paul almost has it all – car chases, gun fights, Nick Frost pissing himself – except the directorial presence of the amazing Edgar Wright. I’m not being some sucky fanboy and immediately dismissing the film because it wasn’t directed by him – I went to the cinema fully expecting it to be brilliant. I thought Pegg and Frost would be able to shine quite aptly on their own. But something was just off – at times the comedic timing didn’t quite work. They relied too heavily on making the humour generic and easy to understand.

That’s not what Pegg and Frost’s work is about. It’s usually geek-culture and it’s usually bloody fantastic. Nothing against any Americans reading, but it felt more geared towards an American audience than a British one. I don’t think I could pick out a joke from Paul that showcased the quintessentially British humour of Spaced.

I went in there expecting Shaun of the Dead and came out feeling like I’d watched Saturday Night Live. Sure, it’s still funny, but it’s clichéd and it’s too simple.

Having said that, it’s the best comedy I’ve seen in a while. It is a quality film – don’t let me put you off. Just don’t expect it to be anything like their previous films. Hot Fuzz sometimes gets a bad rap but what other film can you watch where an old lady with a shotgun gets dropkicked in the face?* Likewise, what other zombie film have you watched where the protagonists beat up a zombie with pool cues to Don’t Stop Me Now?

Paul has its moments, but unlike its predecessors they are sparser, stupider, and less engaging. You will enjoy the film, no doubt about that. But don’t go in with any illusions. If you’re a sci-fi nerd I’m sure you’ll happily sit there having a little nerdgasm, but for me it just fell a little short of the mark.

*If you do know of any other films where little old ladies get drop-kicked in the face, please do let me know as I need to see them!

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (2010)

Starring: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin, Mark Webber, Anna Kendrick




As I sat down to watch Scott Pilgrim last week, it was admittedly with some bating of the breath. I’m a massive Edgar Wright fan (as if anybody who’s watched Spaced and Shaun couldn’t be) and the trailers for SP had literally blown me away. I was worried it wouldn’t live up to the hype; worried that Edgar Wright would’ve been forced to steer away from his usual singular style under the watchful eye of Hollywood. Thank God I hadn’t read the books at that moment in time, or I would’ve been a wreck!

Scott Pilgrim is essentially the story of boy meets girl, but about twenty times more awesome. Scott is a 23 year old slacker from Toronto who’s making nothing of his life, plays in a band called Sex Bob-Omb, and has recently acquired himself a 17 year old Chinese girlfriend called Knives Chau who goes to Catholic school and wears a uniform. Nuff said. The subject of much ridicule from his band mates, his rich gay roommate (Kieran Culkin), and his far worldlier younger sister (Anna Kendrick), Scott finds himself drifting through life. That is, until Ramona Flowers (Winstead) rollerblades through one of his dreams and into his local library.

Scott immediately becomes obsessed with Ramona; obsessed with the ever-changing colours of her hair, her cool and mysterious American background, and, naturally, the fact that she’s pretty damn hot. He goes from stalking her at a party, to ordering a package he knows she will end up delivering, to not signing for the parcel until she agrees to go on a date with him. However, his obsession with dating Ramona leaves him no time to think what to do about Knives, who is steadily falling in (17 year old) love with him. As his relationship with Ramona begins, Sex Bob-Omb get their first show at the Toronto Battle of the Bands.

But Ramona has been keeping a small detail from Scott about her past – which catches up with her just as Sex Bob-Omb start their debut show. Ramona has seven evil exes, all intent on fighting Scott Pilgrim to the death. The first of these, Matthew Patel, shows up during first five seconds of the gig and shoots fireballs at the stage. Scott is forced to fight him, and it’s from this moment on that the film really gets into its stride.

Despite chavs walking out of the cinema both times I saw it, I absolutely loved this film. In fact, I think the fact it can force a chav to leave my presence without presenting them with an ASBO made me love it just that little bit more. Edgar Wright’s direction and attention to detail is utterly sublime. He has created a film that’s completely unique and like, totally awesome.

It’s a retro gamer’s dream, containing so many references that even a mild super Mario fan could find themselves experiencing a slight nerdgasm. The cast are all brilliant – every evil ex hilarious – and I don’t think I can find much fault at all with this film.

Wright has poured every drop of his blood, sweat, tears and God knows what else into this film, and it really shows.

Level Up, Mr Wright.

Kick Ass (2010)

Starring: Aaron Johnson, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Mark Strong, Chloe Moretz and Nicolas Cage.

Kick Ass came out of nowhere. One minute Jonathon Ross was tweeting about his wife’s new film that no-one’s heard of, then suddenly it’s everywhere. On the cover of Empire magazine, on the sides of busses, all over the TV. Most of my work colleagues have heard about it, though one mistakenly interpreted it to be a new spoof movie – ala the Wayans brothers – and had already decided to give it a wide berth (I called him a twat and set his facts straight, naturally).

Kick Ass seemed to gain momentum overnight, but is it worthy of the hype?

Kick Ass is a film about a normal, geeky American teenager (Johnson) living in New York. One day on his way home from the comic store, he gets mugged for the millionth time, and decides he’s had enough. He orders a frankly awful wetsuit and balaclava combo off the internet, and goes out into the neighbourhood to right some wrongs under the pseudonym of Kick Ass.

Naturally, he gets stabbed up and hit by a car.

With most of his bones shattered, he has several metal bone replacements inserted (“Cool, I look like Wolverine!”) and ends up with such damaged nerve endings he is able to feel little pain. So he chucks the wetsuit back on and gets back out there.

Meanwhile, the local mob boss in town is having a hard time, as all his cocaine deals are interrupted by a masked assailant described by his lackeys as looking “like Batman. But not Batman.” As Kick Ass steps up his campaign to clean up the neighbourhood, a video of him saving a man from a gang beating ends up on Youtube. With that, the mob boss puts a mark on Kick Ass’ head, convinced he is responsible for all his lost revenue. He enlists his comic-obsessed son (Mintz-Plasse) to pose as the new superhero in town to bring Kick Ass in.

Unbeknown to everyone, the real superheroes in town are the father-daughter combo of Big Daddy (Cage) and Hit Girl (Moretz). An ex-cop, framed by said mob boss and sent to jail for coke dealing, Big Daddy has vengeance on the brain. Since his parole, he has been training his 12 year old daughter to take bullets, run up walls and fling knives around.

In summation: don’t try to take this kid’s lunch money.

I really can’t put much more of the plot without giving everything away. But you get the general idea – superheroes, guns and geeks.

So, let’s start by talking about Aaron Johnson. He’s 19, English, going out with a 43 year old film director, and soon to be father of their child. I’m not one to be prejudiced about age gaps but...that’s fucked up, right?

You may recognise Johnson (if you’re a girl) from Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging, where he played a hunk – a far cry from the geeky character he portrays here. Likewise you may have seen him in the more respectable Nowhere Boy as a young John Lennon (his casting was no doubt helped along by the fact he was boning the director).

I’d say Kick Ass was probably a pretty easy character to play, as they go. However, Johnson has had the chance to start showing off his acting ability in a number of varied roles, and I found him to be a perfectly believable geek (if not a tad too good looking). I thought he was fine, and as a trio with his two best friends he provides some of the biggest laughs of the film. Some great laughs also arise from the girl of his dreams thinking he’s homosexual – and him playing along to spend time with her.

I don’t have too much more to say about him – I’d need to see more of his acting repertoire to judge if he’s more than just a pretty face, though I applaud any English actor who breaks Hollywood, especially at 19.

Christopher Mintz-Plasse is best known (of course) for being the infamous McLovin. Having only seen him in Role Models and Superbad before Kick Ass, I could say he’s typecast and moan about that. But what’s wrong with being typecast when you’re absolutely hilarious and brilliant? He’s not a major role in this film, but every scene he’s in is full of laughs.

I love this guy.

Him and Johnson deliver (in my opinion) the funniest scene of the film. I won’t give it away, but I’ll just say this – Gnarls Barkley.

Now, Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage is a douche. You don’t need me to tell you that if you’ve been subjected to any of his acting “work” over the last 5 years. The last film I genuinely thought he was good in was Adaptation. Adaptation is 8 years old, and he’s been in 22 films since then. It seems any film that stars Cage these days should come with a label under the certification

“Warning: May well be shit.”

Thank god Kick Ass doesn’t need that certification. Cage steps back and takes a smaller role, is annoying to the minimum, and actually delivers some pretty good laughs. I congratulate him for being brave enough to take on a film where his character’s first scene involves shooting his 12 year old daughter in the chest. He still irritated me a bit, but this is a far cry from Bangkok Dangerous, Knowing, National Treasure, or any of that terrible wank he’s been appearing in lately.

So, what did I think of the film as a whole?

It’s good. It is. It’s consistently funny, missing the mark only a few times. It’s violent in a way that will make you grin and wince at the same time, but revel in every second of the action. It takes the piss out of crap superhero movies like there’s no tomorrow, while showing respect for the greats simultaneously. It’s pretty well written, and the direction is sublime.

There are only a few little gripes I have with the film. The main one being is that Kick Ass has his own Myspace page. I mean, who the hell are they trying to kid? Myspace are spending so much money trying to get into films lately, with a huge segment in Funny People and now a prominent part in Kick Ass. Now, I don’t want to be mean to my first ever friend on Myspace but seriously, Tom, you’re flogging a dead horse. Myspace is going to be completely socially irrelevant in 10 years, maybe even 5. While it still may be used to showcase new musical talent, it will never be used as a social networking site to the extent it once was. The fact that Kick Ass has a Myspace page is going to date the film considerably, but if it was funding from the site that made the film possible, I guess that’s ok with me.

Some of the CGI isn’t fantastic, but it really didn’t matter to me. The action sequences are just breath-taking; I’ll suffer fake looking flames for a 12 year old annihilating a corridor of grown men any day.

This film is going to be Chloe Moretz’s big break. I have no doubt whatsoever about that. She’s only just 13, but she was the film’s biggest, brightest star. Hit Girl is most definitely going to be a hit with almost everyone. Who doesn’t love watching a 12 year old girl chop people’s legs off and cuss like a pro? Seriously though, I saw Moretz in 500 Days of Summer in a fairly small role, and thought that she seemed to have pretty impressive acting chops for someone so young. This film is without a doubt her vehicle to stardom. She is responsible for the majority of the laughs, the majority of the deaths, and is the essence of the whole film.

She’s the one who really kicks ass.

I would definitely recommend this film to almost anyone - except your nan.

The Lovely Bones (2010)

Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Mark Wahlberg, Rachel Weisz, Stanley Tucci, Susan Sarandon

The Lovely Bones is an adaptation of the wonderful, celebrated novel by Alice Sebold. Naturally, when such a well –loved book is adapted, it’s impossible to please everyone. Peter Jackson was brave to take on the project, being far removed from his previous epic Lord of the Rings, the not-so-epic King Kong, and the cult favourites that are Braindead and The Frighteners.

The Lovely Bones is the story of Susie Salmon, a 14 year old girl whose life is just beginning. On the way home from school one day, taking a shortcut through the neighbourhood cornfield, her neighbour Mr Harvey invites her into a den he has built under the soil. He then proceeds to drug, rape and brutally murder her. The rest of the novel concerns Susie watching over her family from heaven, seeing her murderer quietly get on with his life undetected, and witnessing her parent’s marriage crumble.

So, first things first. I’ve read the book. I like the book very much, and it made me cry more than I’d care to admit. It was full of feeling, full of sadness and, ironically, full of life. Unlike other films though, I wasn’t worried about any director “ruining” the book (the same cannot be said for The Golden Compass). The Lovely Bones is such a long, detailed and involved novel; I couldn’t possibly imagine anyone being able to fit in all the important parts (and the notion of “important parts” is entirely subjective anyway). Personally, I feel The Lovely Bones is too involved, and too intricate for film. It would’ve done well as a high budget TV series, a-la Twin Peaks, if you ask me.

Saoirse Ronan makes a brilliant Susie Salmon. She’s almost exactly how I imagined her, and even if she wasn’t it wouldn’t have mattered. She’s a fabulous actress for her age (16) and plays Susie with just the right level of naivety, maturity and uncertainty. While traditionally I prefer to keep my imagined book characters away from Hollywood’s version of them (Ron, Harry & Hermione for instance), I’ll happily re-read the Lovely Bones now with Ronan’s Susie clear in my mind.

Mark Wahlberg’s Mr Salmon was a huge relief for me. For me, Wahlberg will never, ever escape the memory of the travesty that was M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening. Every time I think of Wahlberg, I see him running down a lane screaming “The plants! The plants are coming to get meee!”. I’d labelled him as a terrible actor, and moved on. Ryan Gosling from The Notebook was set to play Mr Salmon (which I would’ve liked, again for the perve-factor). Gosling refused the role though, as he felt he wasn’t old or mature enough to do it justice. On hearing Wahlberg had stepped into his shoes, I was a little horrified, but curious. And, thank God, the man proved me wrong. He can act! Not only can he act, but he can also carry a scene without being melodramatic, irritating or obvious.

Who would’ve thunk it?

I guess Shyamalan’s direction was to blame for his awful performance. Makes me wish Wahlberg had just turned around and told him to shove his directing up his arse though. (Zooey Deschanel receives a get out of jail free card for The Happening, as she wasn’t really annoying, and then completely rocked 500 Days of Summer).

Rachel Weisz as Mrs Salmon was somewhat wasted. She’s a far bigger character in the book, and I didn’t like the re-writing of her character’s reaction to Susie’s death. She is shown as pathetic and broken, a shell of a woman who runs away almost immediately so she doesn’t have to face Susie’s death. If the book correlated correctly with the film, she would have left Mr Salmon because he got too obsessed with finding Susie’s killer and neglected her entirely – not because (as the film would have you believe) she couldn’t cope. They also decide to do away with her affair with the Lead Detective, Len Fenerman. I believe Jackson chose to do this as he seems to have been determined to reinforce the themes of “family” and “home”.

Susan Sarandon, as Susie’s grandmother, injected some much needed life into the film. I think she actually improved on the book’s character, adding just that little extra charisma and humour that Sarandon always brings in spades. She’s pretty much the only comic relief provided throughout the film, and without her I think I would’ve been trying to suffocate myself with a popcorn box (much easier in cinemas where they serve popcorn in bags).

So, the film itself. Well, it’s ok. I don’t think it’s a masterpiece and I don’t think it stands up to the majority of Jackson’s previous work (though I think I’d rather watch The Lovely Bones than King Kong). There’s just far too much material to work with, and I can’t imagine the nightmare Jackson had deciding what was important and what wasn’t. It definitely doesn’t benefit from the Hollywood treatment, and the true feeling of the novel never seems to come through on screen.

Normally, a film about death and funerals and leaving loved ones behind etc would have my eyes streaming like a 5 year old’s nose.

The film just didn’t have the right tone – Jackson’s stunning visuals of the afterlife seem needlessly inserted to garner Oscar nominations – and it suffered from what I like to call “12A” syndrome. The novel is heart wrenching, sophisticated, sometimes sexy and sometimes explicitly gruesome. Everything is toned down in the film for the kiddies – no sex, only hints of real violence and gore, and the subject of child molestation is neatly skipped around - just very, very lightly hinted at. I’m not saying I want to see a child being raped on a 20ft screen, but I think it’s a bit of a cop out in this day and age to leave it “assumed”.

Stanley Tucci as the murderer, on the other hand, is a brilliant performance. He is absolutely fucking terrifying in a bumbling, nervous and just downright creepy persona. I can’t praise his performance enough. Unsettling and unnerving, but amazing. Tucci and Susie’s sister Lindsay deliver the best scene of the entire film – literally the only time I was on the edge of my seat – in a sequence that alludes to Hitchcock’s Rear Window.

The only other major gripe I have with this film is that the characters of Ray Singh and especially Ruth are entirely wasted. Ruth is important, but gets so little screen time you feel yourself wondering if the projectionist spliced out a section by mistake, especially given the ending (but no spoilers).

I’d see the film if you’ve read the book and don’t feel too strongly about it. If you’re a diehard fan of the novel, I’d steer well clear. And those of you who haven’t read it – I would strongly advise you do so– you may find yourself feeling a little short-changed upon leaving the cinema, with a feeling there was something missing that you can’t quite put your finger on.

That “thing” that The Lovely Bones lacks, but through sheer context should have in triple servings, is the pure essence of the novel – real, human emotion.